After awhile in PJ, I realise that it is time for me to go back. Temporary back to my own house that is in Penang, a place which is famous for the food. Coming back home is not something that I always wish to do, I had a better home now. A home that will welcome me anytime, anywhere, any place and always.
For the first time, I felt that this is the real home that I'm finding. The perfect home that I'm finding in my whole life. The perfect family in my life. Some of time, it seems to me that I'm trying to avoid my real, imperfect life in this world. Trying to find a partner that meets my perfect self-centered world. But this home and family is not the result of my avoiding behavior, it was a gift, a grace that someone have gave it to me.
This family is eternal, a home that will not stand on the rock, a house that is not build by wood, and it is lasting. It won't be destroyed by storm, earthquake or any disaster. A home that will shelter us from any destruction.
This is the kind of home that I always dream of. When we need a hug, it will give us. When we need food, it will give us. It will provide us with all nutritions that our body need.
In the end, it is a house that is not physically seen, but spiritually built. The house of the holy spirit lives within me, and people that was lead by the holy spirit are my family. And by this we unite,love and care for each other.
After realising that what I expected before is different from what I receive, I began to miss my real life home. It seems to me that, there is always a reason why I'm born in this family.,why God shaped me with a personality that is somehow, mimic of my own parents, why I was chosen to be the worst of my own kind, to be something that everyone despise.
God never reveal those to me when I'm still an infant. An infant who needs milk not solid food. And there is reason for it. To let me realise that, I'm not perfect, nor smart. I'm just a person who is similar like anyone else that is worst than me. Is my job to help out those who need help and those who are similar with me.
To love myself, which is to love people who is similar to me. To find a perfect family or home, I must start to look at people around me. The perfect home or family is always around us, which is people that is similar to us. That's why we are together :D.
I always blame someone else about what happen to me. But in the end, it happens because of me and it affected people around me. Anything that I had done cannot be undone. Anything that I had destroy, cannot be rebuilt. Only God can do it, and only by believing in him,I realise that life ain't only about destroying, but it is also about rebuilding.
I had done things that I have thought I will never do. Being self-centered and so on. I should have punish for what I had done,but God knew it and he forgive me, although some of it are still not forgiven. But I do believe in something that had change me.
This is another boring entry that I had write for myself to remember and to remind me. Everyday a chapter, and I'm blanking my pages.